I stare out of the panel windows with wonder. With the rain falling in soft slurries and gloomy skies, that feeling I get in the pit of my gut.. I don't feel quite right. There is a certain wrongness, I can't quite put a name to it. I question myself how can I release myself. As I continue to stare into my own reflection, I realise : I am not here.
Yeah I'm not quite here, really. Is it grief, regret, pain maybe? I honestly can't put a name to it. Some part of me is currently living on a different existential plane. Miles and miles away, in a completely different realm. Bereft. Fragments of my mind soul are somewhat, stolen.
I walk around, going through the notions and.. that's that. I'm numbed, robot-like. Its like, the very core and essential part of me were ripped out and I'm left in a place filled with confusion. My soul is an exile of my own body and mind.
* *
On the contradictory, I'm having the same reoccurence that I blogged about right after the job of taxing (http://www.everythingsporadical.blogspot.com/2010/03/death-by-white-lies.html).
Going back into studies, I'm moving forward far too much than the present lets me. Again, I can't put it into words to quite explain it right. I go through days feeling ten steps ahead than the current reality. Thankfully I talked to someone who went through the exact motions and she felt the same as well. So, toorah. It isn't just me. There are days where I hunger from something exhilarating, challenging and mind boggling task to be handed down, to be mentally challenged once again. The feeling.. is, quite remarkable. So here I am, trying my best to retract backwards? One of the many reasons I needed to get back into Ballet again, I yearn for growth and elevation too much. Being mentally and spirituality stagnant scares the crap out of me. Sometimes one has to wonder if this constant want of self-actualisation is an epidemic or a sick-twisty needy drug.
A quagmire of mental and spiritual elevation. I'm between battles on days like these.
Happy note, Stereophonics tonightttttt!
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