Believe the unbelievable and dream the impossible. I don't want to look back after 20 years and say, "I should have done that." - Tony Fernandes.
Mum had it written on her planner and thought it would be best to pass it on. She sealed her love by leaving it as a note on my dresser table.
Now its my turn to pen it down into my planner to continously remind myself of the simpliest purpose in life. Be contented, be fulfilled.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Monday, August 09, 2010
Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien by Edith Piaf
Thank you for calling. But I am not here right now. I am somewhere else. And you cannot reach me. Please leave me at the sound of the beep.
It hasn't been a good year altogether. Constant battles and hardship for the past seven months. Trials and tribulations. It has been tremendously exhausting. A broken china, chipped glass, cracked mirror, missing jigsaw. This is one battle against my own worst enemy, me. No relations with another human relationship.
I need to get back up on my two feet and take baby steps. Yesterday was a challenging one but I can make a fresh start.
Back to the era where.. I was.. Happier.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
One thing that irks me most is coming to this blank typing space and finding that the words can't flow as lucidly as I want them to. After such a long break from not updating the blog, surely, there has to be a plethora of events or incidences to be updated and yes, there are, but I reckon the word flow/linguistic abilities have gotten rusty over the days/weeks/months of leaving my brain by the door. It's only too easy to claim that I'm too busy to update the blog. But however busy nonetheless, there's always room to make time but I am running dry on ideas.
I've finally found the space in time to bother updating because I'm stuck on this office seat with a monkey suit. My thoughts.. they are faraway. In addition to that widescreen picturesque view from my seat, its easy to go astray from the piles of responsibilities awaiting. There are so many questions that are yet to be answered, "Is this what God has instored for me, is this what He wants?" It was as though I had the most random epiphany this morning, the words "Be the change you want to see in the world" came across my mind, like a gentle reminder, a subtle wake up call.
Challenges are made to live by. I strongly believe that change, growth or transformation can only fully occur with personal or spiritual growth. When asked what do I place most importance in life, it would be personal growth. Every problem is a character building opportunity to flourish and the more difficult it is; the greater the potential for building the cells of spiritual muscle and moral fiber. Of late, it has been really really hard to live by such practice. Positivity is running on thin ice. Its as though time is playing its tricks on me, as it passes me by, the loathe grows stronger than the like instead of the other way around. I opened my heart to new undertakings and learnings, it seemed exciting at first. Foreign and challenging as it is, the growth of fondness is killed. I find myself questioning if I'll ever find my fit in this area of field. I can't.
I need to stop forcing myself and accept that this isn't my call of duty.
I may have plans but God always has better plans installed.
I've finally found the space in time to bother updating because I'm stuck on this office seat with a monkey suit. My thoughts.. they are faraway. In addition to that widescreen picturesque view from my seat, its easy to go astray from the piles of responsibilities awaiting. There are so many questions that are yet to be answered, "Is this what God has instored for me, is this what He wants?" It was as though I had the most random epiphany this morning, the words "Be the change you want to see in the world" came across my mind, like a gentle reminder, a subtle wake up call.
Challenges are made to live by. I strongly believe that change, growth or transformation can only fully occur with personal or spiritual growth. When asked what do I place most importance in life, it would be personal growth. Every problem is a character building opportunity to flourish and the more difficult it is; the greater the potential for building the cells of spiritual muscle and moral fiber. Of late, it has been really really hard to live by such practice. Positivity is running on thin ice. Its as though time is playing its tricks on me, as it passes me by, the loathe grows stronger than the like instead of the other way around. I opened my heart to new undertakings and learnings, it seemed exciting at first. Foreign and challenging as it is, the growth of fondness is killed. I find myself questioning if I'll ever find my fit in this area of field. I can't.
I need to stop forcing myself and accept that this isn't my call of duty.
I may have plans but God always has better plans installed.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
This Ain't Goodbye by Train
I stare out of the panel windows with wonder. With the rain falling in soft slurries and gloomy skies, that feeling I get in the pit of my gut.. I don't feel quite right. There is a certain wrongness, I can't quite put a name to it. I question myself how can I release myself. As I continue to stare into my own reflection, I realise : I am not here.
Yeah I'm not quite here, really. Is it grief, regret, pain maybe? I honestly can't put a name to it. Some part of me is currently living on a different existential plane. Miles and miles away, in a completely different realm. Bereft. Fragments of my mind soul are somewhat, stolen.
I walk around, going through the notions and.. that's that. I'm numbed, robot-like. Its like, the very core and essential part of me were ripped out and I'm left in a place filled with confusion. My soul is an exile of my own body and mind.
* *
On the contradictory, I'm having the same reoccurence that I blogged about right after the job of taxing (http://www.everythingsporadical.blogspot.com/2010/03/death-by-white-lies.html).
Going back into studies, I'm moving forward far too much than the present lets me. Again, I can't put it into words to quite explain it right. I go through days feeling ten steps ahead than the current reality. Thankfully I talked to someone who went through the exact motions and she felt the same as well. So, toorah. It isn't just me. There are days where I hunger from something exhilarating, challenging and mind boggling task to be handed down, to be mentally challenged once again. The feeling.. is, quite remarkable. So here I am, trying my best to retract backwards? One of the many reasons I needed to get back into Ballet again, I yearn for growth and elevation too much. Being mentally and spirituality stagnant scares the crap out of me. Sometimes one has to wonder if this constant want of self-actualisation is an epidemic or a sick-twisty needy drug.
A quagmire of mental and spiritual elevation. I'm between battles on days like these.
Happy note, Stereophonics tonightttttt!
Yeah I'm not quite here, really. Is it grief, regret, pain maybe? I honestly can't put a name to it. Some part of me is currently living on a different existential plane. Miles and miles away, in a completely different realm. Bereft. Fragments of my mind soul are somewhat, stolen.
I walk around, going through the notions and.. that's that. I'm numbed, robot-like. Its like, the very core and essential part of me were ripped out and I'm left in a place filled with confusion. My soul is an exile of my own body and mind.
* *
On the contradictory, I'm having the same reoccurence that I blogged about right after the job of taxing (http://www.everythingsporadical.blogspot.com/2010/03/death-by-white-lies.html).
Going back into studies, I'm moving forward far too much than the present lets me. Again, I can't put it into words to quite explain it right. I go through days feeling ten steps ahead than the current reality. Thankfully I talked to someone who went through the exact motions and she felt the same as well. So, toorah. It isn't just me. There are days where I hunger from something exhilarating, challenging and mind boggling task to be handed down, to be mentally challenged once again. The feeling.. is, quite remarkable. So here I am, trying my best to retract backwards? One of the many reasons I needed to get back into Ballet again, I yearn for growth and elevation too much. Being mentally and spirituality stagnant scares the crap out of me. Sometimes one has to wonder if this constant want of self-actualisation is an epidemic or a sick-twisty needy drug.
A quagmire of mental and spiritual elevation. I'm between battles on days like these.
Happy note, Stereophonics tonightttttt!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event
Air was silent as I listened to his still breathings of deep sleep. I rolled over, my eyelids flutter before they fully opened. I jumped off the bed with the sight of a clock ticking at 8.05 am.
"I'm late for work. We're lateee!"
I frantically searched for my phone, pouncing around like a senile cat.
He gibbers something beyond comprehension and pulls me back sleepily.
Work's a block away. Let me fix breakfast first, he mumbles.
Curtly, I replied No.
"Stay in bed. I'll fix spinach ravioli for lunch?"
"My manager would kill if I'm late!"
"I'll bring your colleagues food for brunch"
"They'll loathe you for making me late"
"No, they won't. I'm their Food Jesus.."
*silence of contemplation*
"I'll stay awhile if you let me make pancakes"
"You mean, pannekoek?"
"Whatever. Can I make em?"
"No. Leave pannekoeks to the Germans.."
"You can't pronounce Nasi Lemak correctly, Hitler"
"Yes I can. Naksik Leemoak"
"^&*$%^#"
"That sounded like a woman's vagina. Did you just call me a cunt?"
"Shit. How'd you figure that one out?!"
He pinches my cheeks and rolls out of bed, "Looks like I'll be making pannekoeks..."
"I'm late for work. We're lateee!"
I frantically searched for my phone, pouncing around like a senile cat.
He gibbers something beyond comprehension and pulls me back sleepily.
Work's a block away. Let me fix breakfast first, he mumbles.
Curtly, I replied No.
"Stay in bed. I'll fix spinach ravioli for lunch?"
"My manager would kill if I'm late!"
"I'll bring your colleagues food for brunch"
"They'll loathe you for making me late"
"No, they won't. I'm their Food Jesus.."
*silence of contemplation*
"I'll stay awhile if you let me make pancakes"
"You mean, pannekoek?"
"Whatever. Can I make em?"
"No. Leave pannekoeks to the Germans.."
"You can't pronounce Nasi Lemak correctly, Hitler"
"Yes I can. Naksik Leemoak"
"^&*$%^#"
"That sounded like a woman's vagina. Did you just call me a cunt?"
"Shit. How'd you figure that one out?!"
He pinches my cheeks and rolls out of bed, "Looks like I'll be making pannekoeks..."
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
From The Inside Out by Hillsong United
Food changes over time. Things don't change, people do.
Egg tarts are funny, they are funny to me. Its strange how I perceived it to be.. mushy, slimy, gross back then. I tried it when during the younger primary school days and I didn't like it at all. NOT AT ALL. A few months back, I decided to try out the famous ones from Pudu out of curiousity, and it was real good.
It became an epidermic actually. Been nuts about egg tarts from that day on. Ironically, I used to date someone who was crazy about egg tarts. Occasionally after our heavy meals, he would drive to this old run-down bakery and eat half a dozen of it while watching tele, giving me the ear to ear grin of a small ten year ol boy. I might have passed out a disgusted look as he savoured his dessert (I'm not very supportive as you see). Funny, he never failed to offer me some despite my lack of.. enthusiasm heh. Highly claiming how delectable it was, I would pass on the offer. Pity we couldn't share the joy together at that moment in time. It struck me just last week about the bakery! See, I've been getting these tarts from either DJ or Pudu because well.. they tasted pretty grand enough. So I took a drive to the old bakery nearby last week and bought some tarts to try them out myself. It tasted real grand! It was certainly nostalgic revisiting the place.
I wanted to share my excitement in a new discovery and say out loud, ''Hey you're right. Its awfully good!". But I knew I was the last person on planet Earth you would ever want to hear from heh. The taste of egg tarts changed me. Oh and tomatoes too. I hope my durian story would not alter like egg tarts ugh. We used to have Japanese on most Sundays as tea and be seated at the exact same spot. You would order two plates of raw octopus and I would drum those wooden chopsticks in anticipation for my favourite Sushis on the conveyer belt. I miss the food there ever since.
Things work out the opposite sometimes. I hope you accept, be okay with it and find peace in what you're searching for.
Be waiting for the day you learn to surpass the past and return as my good buddy again. I've missed you, friend.
Marking the one year aftermath in a few days time. I've never looked back :)
Egg tarts are funny, they are funny to me. Its strange how I perceived it to be.. mushy, slimy, gross back then. I tried it when during the younger primary school days and I didn't like it at all. NOT AT ALL. A few months back, I decided to try out the famous ones from Pudu out of curiousity, and it was real good.
It became an epidermic actually. Been nuts about egg tarts from that day on. Ironically, I used to date someone who was crazy about egg tarts. Occasionally after our heavy meals, he would drive to this old run-down bakery and eat half a dozen of it while watching tele, giving me the ear to ear grin of a small ten year ol boy. I might have passed out a disgusted look as he savoured his dessert (I'm not very supportive as you see). Funny, he never failed to offer me some despite my lack of.. enthusiasm heh. Highly claiming how delectable it was, I would pass on the offer. Pity we couldn't share the joy together at that moment in time. It struck me just last week about the bakery! See, I've been getting these tarts from either DJ or Pudu because well.. they tasted pretty grand enough. So I took a drive to the old bakery nearby last week and bought some tarts to try them out myself. It tasted real grand! It was certainly nostalgic revisiting the place.
I wanted to share my excitement in a new discovery and say out loud, ''Hey you're right. Its awfully good!". But I knew I was the last person on planet Earth you would ever want to hear from heh. The taste of egg tarts changed me. Oh and tomatoes too. I hope my durian story would not alter like egg tarts ugh. We used to have Japanese on most Sundays as tea and be seated at the exact same spot. You would order two plates of raw octopus and I would drum those wooden chopsticks in anticipation for my favourite Sushis on the conveyer belt. I miss the food there ever since.
You told me, It'll be okay. But you were the one crying.
You told me, Let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.
You told me, Let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.
Things work out the opposite sometimes. I hope you accept, be okay with it and find peace in what you're searching for.
Be waiting for the day you learn to surpass the past and return as my good buddy again. I've missed you, friend.
Marking the one year aftermath in a few days time. I've never looked back :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar
Emotions build up within time, then it hits you when you least expect it. And, realisation creeps in. It sinks.
These words aren't sufficient, I know. Words baffled were never what people hoped to hear. Anyone but me can probably express much more effectively and fluidly than this. I want to - I really do, but when I want to, really really want to, when everything could work out okay by saying something - anything at all. Its just not that easy.
Tongue-tied, dumbfolded. I lose sight, lose focus on what to say, what to do. There would come that daze-like state, the very vague confusion, the thoughts which seem strange and foreign you refuse to acknowledge - fear. Fear that it'll make situations worse. Yet, we smile. Pretend all things are okay, because, well, everyone seems to be acting in a certain way and you don't want to ruin it. Camouflage. I'm a chameleon.
Opportunity arises when I get a chance to speak up but all I can do is to smile half-heartedly and turn away. I certainly hope that they failed to notice that my smile did not reach my eyes. I shouldn't be afraid of showing more than I think I should. Ever come to a point where you want to speak up, say more, much more - but you don't know how, when or even why?
There's so many technicalities I need to work on. One can't help but to wonder if one lifetime would be sufficient at all.
Currently re-reading Midnight Sun by Meyer online. It lifts me up when I'm a little discouraged.
These words aren't sufficient, I know. Words baffled were never what people hoped to hear. Anyone but me can probably express much more effectively and fluidly than this. I want to - I really do, but when I want to, really really want to, when everything could work out okay by saying something - anything at all. Its just not that easy.
Tongue-tied, dumbfolded. I lose sight, lose focus on what to say, what to do. There would come that daze-like state, the very vague confusion, the thoughts which seem strange and foreign you refuse to acknowledge - fear. Fear that it'll make situations worse. Yet, we smile. Pretend all things are okay, because, well, everyone seems to be acting in a certain way and you don't want to ruin it. Camouflage. I'm a chameleon.
Opportunity arises when I get a chance to speak up but all I can do is to smile half-heartedly and turn away. I certainly hope that they failed to notice that my smile did not reach my eyes. I shouldn't be afraid of showing more than I think I should. Ever come to a point where you want to speak up, say more, much more - but you don't know how, when or even why?
There's so many technicalities I need to work on. One can't help but to wonder if one lifetime would be sufficient at all.
Currently re-reading Midnight Sun by Meyer online. It lifts me up when I'm a little discouraged.
Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Claudine by Maksim Mrvica
I am deeply reminded of my Christian Fellowship Club days at school where we would speak of Agape love, and the love Paul spoke in 1st Corinthians 13:4 to 9 ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away’.
Is romance a symptom? I believe romance is a perk for those that learn how to love first. It’s a sugarcoat, an icing. Romance is what you gain from Eros, erotic love. Love with passionate heights. Love, alongside with romance. There are many stages to be reached within love and romance. Friendship, understanding, connectivity, attraction, passion, compassion etc. How do we find and conclude the definition of love? How are we, humans able to place our finger to it? Love changes, morphs into so many things, in so many people, in so many ways. I had a vision of sitting on a bench with a soul mate, and we were listening to a song through earphones together. He was tapping his fingers on my knee to the beat, and that was the best feeling in the world. That, by my definition, was romance. A simple act of human connectivity. It had no relation as to how much we loved each other or how good the sex is for that matter. Romance, in my opinion, differs for everyone. It many mean a little, or everything in each relationship. Love, however, is a commitment, a decision. Lust is merely an expression, passion adds colour of physical love and romance is the reaction. With recent age, love has gradually been defined as casual sex. I am deeply saddened that sex has turned into a tool; a scotch tape of relationship adhesives to many. Like scotch tape, its easy to many, functional, accessible and vital? But does it really hold things for a long duration? We should never define love with terms of physical passion. It goes above, way way above.
Happy note! I’ve just gotten my hands on Lewis’ book called The Four Loves where he examines the emotions of various types of love. Restricting myself from reading it till I finish Eureka by Poe first! Eureka is literally, killing me slowly and painfully. Think I’m going to skip to the last few pages of the book sshh.
Monday, March 15, 2010
From Where You Are by Lifehouse
I'm particular about perfection at times. The whole ironing crumpled papers for assignments. Demanding order and symmetry. I wouldn't want to lean towards an obsessive compulsive disorder, I defy. Hee. Its funny because I have a tremendous appreciation of a certain sorta art (a good art usually symbolizes perfection), and what's surprising is I truly enjoy Shinichi Maruyama's work, which on the other hand, uses the concept of wabisabi - beauty of things which are imperfect. Beauty in objects which are impermanent and incomplete. He creates swirls of waters, blotches of sporadical inking. And each one of them are unique. Perfectly.. Imperfect. One can't deny questions raised on the applications of viewing imperfections in beauty, not only in art - but in life.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead
Mmhm that warm, fuzzing feeling after reading love letters written by men at the store this afternoon. There were several letters Napoleon wrote to Josephine which were staggering, left me in awe. When I got back, I spent more time reading up on his flaming love for Josephine and I discovered that he gave Josephine a gold locket with a simple inscription as their wedding gift. It stated, "Destiny".
Destiny. Serendipity. People state that life is all in our hands and we make the best of it. However, its one of the myriad of cliches I believe in. It puts a smile on my face, as funny as it may sound, it keeps me going. Having faith if I may say, surpasses everything.
I have faith with all my heart that certain strange melange, spur of the moment decisions and coincidences brought me to where I am, this very situation, this present, this moment in time.
Speaking of spur of the moment, I've decided to further my ballet insanity by taking up the Solo Seal Award. I'm hyperventilating as I'm blogging it out. Its so.. intimidating. I'm still questioning if this is a rash decision, its so far-fetching, ambitious and somewhat impossible in many many ways. Firstly, I've only been teaching small kids for several years and have not been practising in quite a fair bit. Secondly, the exams is going to be in July (right after my degree finals) in front of a small crowd (probably those snotty Russian ballet dancers who kick ass big time) and a panel of judges (gulp).
I was content when I completed the full vocational graded exams a while back but just a few days ago, I woke up feeling hungry for something challenging and far-fetching (The hunger arose from listening to RADIOHEAD'S THE BENDS. THE ALBUM SPOKE TO ME, I'M SERIOUUUS). I yearned for elevation, achieving bigger dreams, to self-actualise if I may say. Sigh. I am still coming to terms with what I signed up for. There's no looking back now. I don't have a tinge of regret actually, I'm surrounded with the doubts and fears that I may not be fully prepared by then.
There's so many decisions to be made! Variation from the 21st Century or the Classical Repertoire? I would most likely pick Classical Repertoire but which play?! Coppelia? Swan Lake? Le Corsaire? Sleeping Beauty?
Eeek I need to be SuperWoman till July comes around :S
I'm strangely excited on what is installed in the future undertakings though. Hee.
Wish me luck!
Destiny. Serendipity. People state that life is all in our hands and we make the best of it. However, its one of the myriad of cliches I believe in. It puts a smile on my face, as funny as it may sound, it keeps me going. Having faith if I may say, surpasses everything.
I have faith with all my heart that certain strange melange, spur of the moment decisions and coincidences brought me to where I am, this very situation, this present, this moment in time.
Speaking of spur of the moment, I've decided to further my ballet insanity by taking up the Solo Seal Award. I'm hyperventilating as I'm blogging it out. Its so.. intimidating. I'm still questioning if this is a rash decision, its so far-fetching, ambitious and somewhat impossible in many many ways. Firstly, I've only been teaching small kids for several years and have not been practising in quite a fair bit. Secondly, the exams is going to be in July (right after my degree finals) in front of a small crowd (probably those snotty Russian ballet dancers who kick ass big time) and a panel of judges (gulp).
I was content when I completed the full vocational graded exams a while back but just a few days ago, I woke up feeling hungry for something challenging and far-fetching (The hunger arose from listening to RADIOHEAD'S THE BENDS. THE ALBUM SPOKE TO ME, I'M SERIOUUUS). I yearned for elevation, achieving bigger dreams, to self-actualise if I may say. Sigh. I am still coming to terms with what I signed up for. There's no looking back now. I don't have a tinge of regret actually, I'm surrounded with the doubts and fears that I may not be fully prepared by then.
There's so many decisions to be made! Variation from the 21st Century or the Classical Repertoire? I would most likely pick Classical Repertoire but which play?! Coppelia? Swan Lake? Le Corsaire? Sleeping Beauty?
Eeek I need to be SuperWoman till July comes around :S
I'm strangely excited on what is installed in the future undertakings though. Hee.
Wish me luck!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)