Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar

Emotions build up within time, then it hits you when you least expect it. And, realisation creeps in. It sinks.

These words aren't sufficient, I know. Words baffled were never what people hoped to hear. Anyone but me can probably express much more effectively and fluidly than this. I want to - I really do, but when I want to, really really want to, when everything could work out okay by saying something - anything at all. Its just not that easy.

Tongue-tied, dumbfolded. I lose sight, lose focus on what to say, what to do. There would come that daze-like state, the very vague confusion, the thoughts which seem strange and foreign you refuse to acknowledge - fear. Fear that it'll make situations worse. Yet, we smile. Pretend all things are okay, because, well, everyone seems to be acting in a certain way and you don't want to ruin it. Camouflage. I'm a chameleon.

Opportunity arises when I get a chance to speak up but all I can do is to smile half-heartedly and turn away. I certainly hope that they failed to notice that my smile did not reach my eyes. I shouldn't be afraid of showing more than I think I should. Ever come to a point where you want to speak up, say more, much more - but you don't know how, when or even why?

There's so many technicalities I need to work on. One can't help but to wonder if one lifetime would be sufficient at all.

Currently re-reading Midnight Sun by Meyer online. It lifts me up when I'm a little discouraged.

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for