Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar

Emotions build up within time, then it hits you when you least expect it. And, realisation creeps in. It sinks.

These words aren't sufficient, I know. Words baffled were never what people hoped to hear. Anyone but me can probably express much more effectively and fluidly than this. I want to - I really do, but when I want to, really really want to, when everything could work out okay by saying something - anything at all. Its just not that easy.

Tongue-tied, dumbfolded. I lose sight, lose focus on what to say, what to do. There would come that daze-like state, the very vague confusion, the thoughts which seem strange and foreign you refuse to acknowledge - fear. Fear that it'll make situations worse. Yet, we smile. Pretend all things are okay, because, well, everyone seems to be acting in a certain way and you don't want to ruin it. Camouflage. I'm a chameleon.

Opportunity arises when I get a chance to speak up but all I can do is to smile half-heartedly and turn away. I certainly hope that they failed to notice that my smile did not reach my eyes. I shouldn't be afraid of showing more than I think I should. Ever come to a point where you want to speak up, say more, much more - but you don't know how, when or even why?

There's so many technicalities I need to work on. One can't help but to wonder if one lifetime would be sufficient at all.

Currently re-reading Midnight Sun by Meyer online. It lifts me up when I'm a little discouraged.

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for

Claudine by Maksim Mrvica

Love may be an ability, an action. Love transcends, fills the void. An essence of linkage between different individuals. It revives, binds.. elevates. Love can be the greatest weapon for mankind because through it, we are able to aid others to the highest degree. As the Greeks termed the three degrees of love – Agape, Philia, Eros.

I am deeply reminded of my Christian Fellowship Club days at school where we would speak of Agape love, and the love Paul spoke in 1st Corinthians 13:4 to 9 ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away’.

Is romance a symptom? I believe romance is a perk for those that learn how to love first. It’s a sugarcoat, an icing. Romance is what you gain from Eros, erotic love. Love with passionate heights. Love, alongside with romance. There are many stages to be reached within love and romance. Friendship, understanding, connectivity, attraction, passion, compassion etc. How do we find and conclude the definition of love? How are we, humans able to place our finger to it? Love changes, morphs into so many things, in so many people, in so many ways. I had a vision of sitting on a bench with a soul mate, and we were listening to a song through earphones together. He was tapping his fingers on my knee to the beat, and that was the best feeling in the world. That, by my definition, was romance. A simple act of human connectivity. It had no relation as to how much we loved each other or how good the sex is for that matter. Romance, in my opinion, differs for everyone. It many mean a little, or everything in each relationship. Love, however, is a commitment, a decision. Lust is merely an expression, passion adds colour of physical love and romance is the reaction. With recent age, love has gradually been defined as casual sex. I am deeply saddened that sex has turned into a tool; a scotch tape of relationship adhesives to many. Like scotch tape, its easy to many, functional, accessible and vital? But does it really hold things for a long duration? We should never define love with terms of physical passion. It goes above, way way above.

Happy note! I’ve just gotten my hands on Lewis’ book called The Four Loves where he examines the emotions of various types of love. Restricting myself from reading it till I finish Eureka by Poe first! Eureka is literally, killing me slowly and painfully. Think I’m going to skip to the last few pages of the book sshh.

From Where You Are by Lifehouse

I'm particular about perfection at times. The whole ironing crumpled papers for assignments. Demanding order and symmetry. I wouldn't want to lean towards an obsessive compulsive disorder, I defy. Hee. Its funny because I have a tremendous appreciation of a certain sorta art (a good art usually symbolizes perfection), and what's surprising is I truly enjoy Shinichi Maruyama's work, which on the other hand, uses the concept of wabisabi - beauty of things which are imperfect. Beauty in objects which are impermanent and incomplete. He creates swirls of waters, blotches of sporadical inking. And each one of them are unique. Perfectly.. Imperfect. One can't deny questions raised on the applications of viewing imperfections in beauty, not only in art - but in life.

Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead

Mmhm that warm, fuzzing feeling after reading love letters written by men at the store this afternoon. There were several letters Napoleon wrote to Josephine which were staggering, left me in awe. When I got back, I spent more time reading up on his flaming love for Josephine and I discovered that he gave Josephine a gold locket with a simple inscription as their wedding gift. It stated, "Destiny".

Destiny. Serendipity. People state that life is all in our hands and we make the best of it. However, its one of the myriad of cliches I believe in. It puts a smile on my face, as funny as it may sound, it keeps me going. Having faith if I may say, surpasses everything.

I have faith with all my heart that certain strange melange, spur of the moment decisions and coincidences brought me to where I am, this very situation, this present, this moment in time.

Speaking of spur of the moment, I've decided to further my ballet insanity by taking up the Solo Seal Award. I'm hyperventilating as I'm blogging it out. Its so.. intimidating. I'm still questioning if this is a rash decision, its so far-fetching, ambitious and somewhat impossible in many many ways. Firstly, I've only been teaching small kids for several years and have not been practising in quite a fair bit. Secondly, the exams is going to be in July (right after my degree finals) in front of a small crowd (probably those snotty Russian ballet dancers who kick ass big time) and a panel of judges (gulp).

I was content when I completed the full vocational graded exams a while back but just a few days ago, I woke up feeling hungry for something challenging and far-fetching (The hunger arose from listening to RADIOHEAD'S THE BENDS. THE ALBUM SPOKE TO ME, I'M SERIOUUUS). I yearned for elevation, achieving bigger dreams, to self-actualise if I may say. Sigh. I am still coming to terms with what I signed up for. There's no looking back now. I don't have a tinge of regret actually, I'm surrounded with the doubts and fears that I may not be fully prepared by then.

There's so many decisions to be made! Variation from the 21st Century or the Classical Repertoire? I would most likely pick Classical Repertoire but which play?! Coppelia? Swan Lake? Le Corsaire? Sleeping Beauty?

Eeek I need to be SuperWoman till July comes around :S

I'm strangely excited on what is installed in the future undertakings though. Hee.

Wish me luck!

Death by White Lies

I'm in a place where I'm two steps ahead of where I'm supposed to be. How do I retract and move backwards? I woke up this morning and lay in bed, random images from the past happenings flickering in and out of my mind’s eye. I had Mercer and Mancini song, "Moon River" playing through my head. mmhm. I wished I had a huckleberry friend.

It feels like someone has pushed a button on a cosmic remote control somewhere out there and the world is moving in fast-motion, like one of those old black and white Charlie Chaplin reels. Time is actually speeding up, gearing manically towards. Something.

There is no climax at the top of this mad, temporal ascension. Only a horrible sense of dread, of wanting the clock to stop just for a while, just enough so I can catch my breath, process where I am in life right now. Except that I don’t actually know how to do that. The truth is I want more time to waste. I wish I had time to spare to curl up on my couch and watch old films, to sprawl out on my sheets and read the whole day, to be left in solitary without having to reply obligatory text messages or calls. I want time that doesn’t need to be utilised sensibly. But its never enough. I may find myself staying up late nights, indulging in the depths of the books stories tell and yet, the glass doesn't fill up. In actual fact, its quite bottomless. A sink with an open drain. Why?

I'm paralyzed by the prospect of the future, worried that I can't face it with enough confidence. In high school a friend told me that she was afraid to try because if she tried and failed then it was concrete proof that her best wasn’t good enough. I'm enthusiastic about life as it is at this point of time, but I'm also afraid that I may get shot down eventually. Fear is a funny thing. Sneaky too.

The rest of my life may be a long time but for now, it feels as if I am trapped in the hourglass and there is very little sand left.

The irony is like I said in the beginning of the post, I'm at a path where I'm ahead, forwarded from my point of reality. Its as though I developed a precocious awakening and pounced a few steps too quick. In order to coincide with my responsibilities and reality, I would need to move backwards in time, space, quantum. Basically, retract backwards in life itself. How does that make any sense at all? How do I let myself move backwards?

I love the feeling when we lift up
Watching the world so small below
I love the dreaming when I think of
The safety in the clouds out my window
I wonder what keeps us so high up
Could there be a love beneath these wings
If we suddenly fall should I scream out
Or keep very quiet and cling to my mouth as I’m crying
So frightened of dying
Relax yes I’m trying
But fears got a hold on me

I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drown in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which road we take
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who’s driving this anyway
I picture my own grave
Cause fears got a hold on me


Floating neither up or down I wonder when I hit the ground
Will the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes
I live on the right side I sleep on the left
That’s why everything is got to be love or death

Yes this fears got a hold on me

- Death by White Lies

Profounddd :)