Death by White Lies

I'm in a place where I'm two steps ahead of where I'm supposed to be. How do I retract and move backwards? I woke up this morning and lay in bed, random images from the past happenings flickering in and out of my mind’s eye. I had Mercer and Mancini song, "Moon River" playing through my head. mmhm. I wished I had a huckleberry friend.

It feels like someone has pushed a button on a cosmic remote control somewhere out there and the world is moving in fast-motion, like one of those old black and white Charlie Chaplin reels. Time is actually speeding up, gearing manically towards. Something.

There is no climax at the top of this mad, temporal ascension. Only a horrible sense of dread, of wanting the clock to stop just for a while, just enough so I can catch my breath, process where I am in life right now. Except that I don’t actually know how to do that. The truth is I want more time to waste. I wish I had time to spare to curl up on my couch and watch old films, to sprawl out on my sheets and read the whole day, to be left in solitary without having to reply obligatory text messages or calls. I want time that doesn’t need to be utilised sensibly. But its never enough. I may find myself staying up late nights, indulging in the depths of the books stories tell and yet, the glass doesn't fill up. In actual fact, its quite bottomless. A sink with an open drain. Why?

I'm paralyzed by the prospect of the future, worried that I can't face it with enough confidence. In high school a friend told me that she was afraid to try because if she tried and failed then it was concrete proof that her best wasn’t good enough. I'm enthusiastic about life as it is at this point of time, but I'm also afraid that I may get shot down eventually. Fear is a funny thing. Sneaky too.

The rest of my life may be a long time but for now, it feels as if I am trapped in the hourglass and there is very little sand left.

The irony is like I said in the beginning of the post, I'm at a path where I'm ahead, forwarded from my point of reality. Its as though I developed a precocious awakening and pounced a few steps too quick. In order to coincide with my responsibilities and reality, I would need to move backwards in time, space, quantum. Basically, retract backwards in life itself. How does that make any sense at all? How do I let myself move backwards?

I love the feeling when we lift up
Watching the world so small below
I love the dreaming when I think of
The safety in the clouds out my window
I wonder what keeps us so high up
Could there be a love beneath these wings
If we suddenly fall should I scream out
Or keep very quiet and cling to my mouth as I’m crying
So frightened of dying
Relax yes I’m trying
But fears got a hold on me

I love the quiet of the night time
When the sun is drown in a deathly sea
I can feel my heart beating as I speed from
The sense of time catching up with me
The sky set out like a pathway
But who decides which road we take
As people drift into a dream world
I close my eyes as my hands shake and when I see a new day
Who’s driving this anyway
I picture my own grave
Cause fears got a hold on me


Floating neither up or down I wonder when I hit the ground
Will the earth beneath my body shake
And cast your sleeping hearts awake
Could it tremble stars from moonlit skies
Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes
I live on the right side I sleep on the left
That’s why everything is got to be love or death

Yes this fears got a hold on me

- Death by White Lies

Profounddd :)